I was thirteen weeks pregnant when my back went into spasm, I fell down the stairs, and I spent 10 days in hospital. This wasn’t the first time my back had spasmed, as I have scoliosis of the spine, but I worked in a nursery, so I’d always laughed it off for the children’s sake, and because I knew I always had people around me.
When it happened at home I was completely alone. My husband had just left for work, and I was sat at the bottom of the stairs, unable to stand, for about 20 minutes before my husband could get back home. When I left the hospital, I was put on complete bed rest for a bit, and I started getting down; not going out. I’ve always been an anxious person, but this seemed different.
I was on long term sick, and then I went onto maternity leave, but it was hard as I wanted to go back to work. But I was in pain every single day. Even now I still barely sleep… Ironically, my daughter is a brilliant sleeper and rarely wakes! Now it’s at the point where I use a stair lift in my own home, I receive personal independence payments and my husband is registered as a carer.
He’s been amazing – a lot of people would have run a mile, but he’s always understood and stayed by my side, and he was the first to convince me that I wouldn’t be able to go back to work after my pregnancy. I was in that job for 8 years, so it was a hard decision to make.
So, my mental health went downhill drastically during my pregnancy, and my feelings started to get a bit scary; I didn’t want to go out on my own, I felt no bond with my unborn daughter and, at one point, I felt like I didn’t want to be here.
Luckily, I spoke to my midwife about my feelings and she put me in contact with Family Action. They came out to see me and we went through a bunch of questions – how I was feeling and how I was in the last two weeks – and it was decided that my mental health at the time was in a state where I’d need to work with the county’s perinatal mental health team first.
Luckily, I spoke to my midwife about my feelings and she put me in contact with Family Action.
They explained it really well though and told me that when I’d finished getting help they’d be there to provide additional support. My keyworker at the perinatal mental health team was fantastic, as she did weekly visits with me for 15 months.
I realised that I had not only post-natal depression, but anxiety as well, and she really helped me with things like grounding techniques, mindfulness, and support to help me bond with my daughter. It helped as friends and family would try to help by telling me things like “you do love her”, but the mental health team acknowledged that my feelings were valid.
Eventually I was discharged from the perinatal mental health team on a Tuesday… I remember because Family Action came to see me two days later to tell me that I would be referred to their family support service. I thought it would take a couple of weeks, so I was really, really pleasantly surprised.
It was an odd time as, thanks to the support I’d had, my bond with my daughter was perfectly as you’d expect it to be… but I wasn’t 100 per cent.
I loved her but I wasn’t confident in myself and I still wasn’t going out of the house on my own.
I was worried about something happening to me and my daughter – particularly that my back would go into spasm, and I’d be left on my own again and not be able to look after her. Trying to get that across to people was hard as they were like, “it’ll be fine”.
In some ways I think if I’d have been working it would have been better, as I’d have something to focus on once my daughter was born, but it can get very like Groundhog Day when you’re at home all day with your child while your husband’s at work.
When my Family Action Keyworker turned up, she instantly said she was with me 100 percent of the way, and I immediately burst into tears. I’d just been discharged from a service that I‘d trusted for 15 months, I was stepping into this whole new other phase, and I was really, really scared.
When my Family Action Keyworker turned up, she instantly said she was with me 100 percent of the way, and I immediately burst into tears.
I was overwhelmed with everything going on but, quite honestly, I believed what she said. She convinced me that I’d made amazing progress already and reassured me that she was only a text away. She kept her word on that… She always was.
During her initial weekly visits, we came up with a plan about what we were going to do to help me become more confident in myself and get out of the house again. So we’d take walks, initially just to the bench just metres outside my house – that’s how scared I was. It was difficult, but she kept me occupied with general chat as well as focused grounding techniques relating to what I could see, hear and smell.
She also didn’t rush me and would take how I’d feel pain-wise into consideration as well. It really helped me, but I still didn’t have anywhere to walk to. But then she mentioned the befriender service Family Action offers, where a volunteer comes and spends a couple of hours a week with you, and suggested that they could accompany me to a mum’s group they run. I agreed instantly as I only have a small friendship group, and their children are older, so I thought this would help me meet other mums with kids the same age. The volunteer came and she was amazing, and my daughter loved her as well!
Attending the group helped me to understand how my baby was feeling but it also focused on the parents’ wellbeing as well. Again, it was just reassuring to hear that your feelings are valid, that you’re allowed to feel rubbish and impatient with your children, and that those feelings won’t last.
Attending the group helped me to understand how my baby was feeling but it also focused on the parents’ wellbeing as well.
Now, my daughter hates sitting still and she’s VERY clever. Even at 19 months she non-stop talks and she’s a climber who likes to clamber all over the furniture and will have a lengthy discussion with you if you ask her to get down.
Having the volunteer at those groups was great as she’d run around and play with her while I was taking everything in.
Even the weeks where she wasn’t meant to come, she’d still pop round for a chat, which is really useful as otherwise I always feel guilty that I’m chewing my husband’s ear off and putting it all onto him.
Eventually, when I became more confident in going to the groups myself, we agreed that the support should stop. They’d achieved what they needed to achieve so now they could go and help somebody else – I mean, I don’t like things ending, and I was a bit nervous, but I think by the end of it I knew I could do it… I felt sad about it but at the same time I was proud of myself; with how far I’d actually come.
I want to tell people that they’re not alone, that there’s help out there, and that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
I still have bad days, but the good days outweigh the bad days. There are some mums who’ve seen the struggles I’ve had with my health and asked me, “how have you done it?” and I tell them this story – I want to tell people that they’re not alone, that there’s help out there, and that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
If you or a mum you know is struggling with their mental health, or needs support and guidance, call, text or webchat with us at FamilyLine
