It all came to a head one night when I finally felt like I didn’t know what more I could do… I didn’t know where to turn.
I felt like I was at breaking point and when I first called Family Action I was having an anxiety attack on the living room floor.
It can be difficult looking for support in that state, and the last thing you want to be doing is googling for someone to talk to, but when I tried some of the other numbers I’d found they were all busy. But then I called FamilyLine.
I explained that I felt completely overwhelmed, that I was failing my three young children and that I was unable to see a way out.
I have a baby, my eldest child has cerebral palsy and my middle child is at nursery, has autism and is non-verbal.
It was distressing and frustrating for both of us when he couldn’t communicate his needs, but it also meant that I felt guilty as my other children might be missing out on my attention.
I used to doubt myself and worry about whether I was doing the right thing – I was even cutting down on sleep in an attempt to “catch up” with what I’d missed.
The FamilyLine volunteer suggested that I try counselling through the service, which I had mixed feelings about.
I felt petrified of going into counselling as I was afraid that saying too much would be a burden on the person listening and, on the other hand, I also worried that I would be under further pressure to talk about things I didn’t want to.
That meant that initially I felt “closed off” in the earlier sessions as I didn’t want to really open up to my counsellor.
Thankfully that changed as I built up a relationship with her and I noticed that, no matter what I said, she never judged me… She was always there to listen, without judgement.
“Thankfully that changed as I built up a relationship with her and I noticed that, no matter what I said, she never judged me… She was always there to listen, without judgement.”
I also felt she was unbiased and didn’t judge others in my life either so I know I could be 100 per cent open in sessions – I could cry if I needed to, and I could honestly say whatever I was feeling.
She helped me learn techniques to manage my self-doubts and worries and identify some of the difficulties I had setting boundaries, before helping me develop ways to do so.
We introduced these slowly so the children didn’t have to deal with too much too soon and developed visual cues so my non-verbal son could understand them too.
I realised in counselling that I was often trying to do 50 things at once – I’m sure a lot of parents do – but I’ve now learned to stop and breathe and take each moment as it is… it’s like the saying goes: “how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time”
During this time I developed the confidence – and had the support – to leave my unhealthy marriage, and my counsellor also put me in touch with local Early Help services who were able to find support groups for parents of children with special educational needs and disabilities as well as supporting my son to attend speech and language therapy services.
“I developed the confidence to leave my unhealthy marriage, and my counsellor also put me in touch with local Early Help services who were able to find support groups for parents of children with special educational needs and disabilities.”
It was a turbulent time, but both my eldest child and I learnt affirmations, which helped us to remember our strengths and successes, and we also learnt how to write our feelings down – called “journaling” – which allowed us to manage our thoughts and feelings.
In fact, thanks to journaling, I’ve since started blogging, which started one day when I didn’t have my journal to hand.
I vented some of my feelings on social media after a difficult day, never intending it to go anywhere.
When I next logged in, I had over 100 comments from other parents who expressed feeling the same as I did.
I feel like it’s incredibly important for parents to share their real experiences.
There is so much pressure to have a ‘perfect’ life and to be a ‘perfect’ parent and it really can feel like you’re failing when you’re not feeling OK.
What I’d like to say is that it’s normal to have struggles – life isn’t always sunshine and roses, and it really is OK to not be OK.
But, when it’s not OK for a while, I’m glad there are services like FamilyLine out there to support parents who are struggling.
FamilyLine is always keen to hear from people interested in volunteering and can support people to work from home delivering support via phone, text, email and web chat. Why not read more about the role or, alternatively, find out a little more about this valuable service?
